Locking the door

I have an incredibly difficult time with letting things roll off my back.  I’m sensitive, to a fault, and my mind pokes at past conversations and events until I feel I have a handle on them.  The trick to that is: sometimes you just can’t get a handle on things.

Look at health, as an example.  Proper nutrition, rest, and exercise are no guarantee that you won’t have a major health issue.  Sometimes it is what it is.  Of course, if you walk around with an enormous genetic target on your back, as I do, it gets tricky to really accept things as they are.  I am so accustomed to “making things happen” instead of just “letting” things happen that I struggle when it comes to things I cannot fight or fix: things that ARE.

Today I am working on locking the door on that negative energy.  After the escapes I have made from toxic situations, it’s completely ridiculous to allow that negativity to walk in my own front door.  It’s still a balancing act for me, though.  I have such a tendency to go “lone wolf” as I face things that I have to be very aware of not closing the door on the good things too.  And I have to struggle with my own sensitivity on that.

This morning a loved one asked me if I actually needed her with me for some things this week, or if her attendance was just for support.  Yes, it’s for support.  But I need that.  Still, all of this is my “stuff” and in no way is it personally important for her to take it all on.  So, in her mind there is a difference between necessity and support.  I can’t say that hurts me, but it does lead me to re-evaluate the difference between our priorities.

Support, after all, can be just as much of a need as air or food or water.  Especially when I am trying to slam and lock the door against my own fear.

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