I suppose I should have entitled this “thinking is dangerous” and then my BFF would be giggling over it. *big smile*
I am in a rambling mood, or a ranting mood, or a reflective one. I have to keep taking a good, hard look at myself and throwing out my own garbage these days (let’s face it, all days, I am just more aware of it now) because I have been laying way too much crap on those who love me. I can be analytical about it and give a million reasons WHY I am the way I am, but the bottom line is that it just drives others away. I have a terrible, arrogant tendency to let others off the proverbial “hook,” when in fact I need to just accept who they are and where they are coming from.
I haven’t been able to really grasp anything mentally these days. It’s almost like getting stuck in a loop in my thinking, and then just blurting out things that really don’t even need to be said or have any basis in anything real. Okay, so I have cancer. So what? I’ll have surgery and move on from cancer. How I do that is entirely up to me, my attitude through it is my opportunity to grow. Am I scared? Oh, big time. Still, that does not excuse any behavior or words — those behaviors have been there for a lifetime, not just all of a sudden since cancer.
So instead of losing sleep and pacing the floor, I just need to do what comes next. And accept what comes next on every level.