Blinded…

So my preliminary results came in on the PET and MRI, and all looks well.  I went on in and took my genetic testing today, and now (yet again) we wait…  I know that comes as a shock to most of you.  Haha!

My best friend had to put my cat that she adopted down today.  I still feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster, and I know I am in no way, shape, or form any kind of fun to be around.  I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m still scared out of my mind.

And I feel like I am going through growing pains.

Not the physical kind, but more a spiritual/mental/emotional kind.  I have lived most of my life by the expectations placed upon me.  I was raised to be a people pleaser, and it is the hardest thing to escape.  The amount of vigilance required to just BE myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, is constant and taxing and exhausting.  So to hell with it, right?

I don’t really know where the growing pains will take me, or who I will really turn out to be by the time I get to where I am going, but I know this is something I have to do.  I have to break out of this neat and tidy box I have allowed myself to be tucked into my whole life.

So, with all of these big crazy thoughts spinning around in my head, I need to just go take a good, hard look in the mirror, accept what I see, and then figure out what comes next.  Of course, this is supposing I can actually see my face in the damn mirror through these stupid, useless, weak tears.

Mostly, I think I just want to take a nap!

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