“I get knocked down, but…”

Hopefully I am not the only person who gets that particular song stuck in my head!  I have had to regroup again — this seems to be an ongoing thing these days.  I think I may end up “talking” my feelings through with you all, as the wait time to see a professional is so very long, and I don’t personally know anyone who can truly handle my feelings.

I have had an amazing morning.  Terrific things with my children, plus parent teacher conferences to come this afternoon.  This day, in short, rocks!

Somehow, this makes me miss a dear friend who died just a couple of years ago.  Why should my joys make me miss him?  I don’t know.  Strange for me to realize that in my own way I am in love with someone I can never talk to again.  I guess I got swamped by my own nostalgia for a second there.

Still there is no sense in looking backwards, when there is so much ahead of me.  I am so many moods, and so many emotions, every day that it is almost exhausting.  It was pointed out to me just the other day that I am not the same as I used to be just a few short months ago, and that the person I was then was far more likeable that who I am now.  I am sure that is true.  I can feel myself withdrawing into my own skin, into my own little nuclear family, because I am capable of dealing with only so much.  For right now, it is keeping my children and myself steady, and kicking cancer’s butt — the three of us, as a unit.  I don’t have the will or the energy for much beyond that at the moment.

I know these are things that make me less than loveable or likeable.  Unfortunately, these things just ARE.  They exist as part of daily reality in the short term.  And they are probably starting to define the individuals who will be part of daily reality in the long term as well.

Most of the time it starts to feel like too much.  But I can feel my power starting to flicker back inside of me.  It’s something I will need to get through the details that lie ahead, with no apologies.

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