An odd night tonight. I had a nice run of writing, and then got down to thinking. Not the stressed out, neurotic thoughts of earlier this evening, mind you. Just a different sort of flow of thought going on…in my head and my heart about things I have learned:
I have realized that my poker face just isn’t what I thought it was; either that, or I am meeting people who see through me as if I am transparent; I have learned that I have no interest in explaining myself, while I speak in such a way as to have to explain myself constantly; sometimes I have loved and love only that which is bad for me; if I set my sights on a goal, nothing can stop me; I may fear confrontation, but if you hurt my children in any way you had better look out for the confrontation I will bring to you; I am incredibly strong, but even strong women break; I have always taken care of the people I love; I may be in a position where I, just maybe slightly kind of, am ready for someone to take care of me for a minute; I believe in equal partnership, just as much as I believe I am destined to be alone; my life is messy, unruly, and unpredictable – and I have had few people willing to accept me if I am anything less than perfect; cancer has changed my life in a way I never wanted: I knew when I heard my diagnosis that nothing in my life would ever be the same as it was again; I am craving nicotine more than I want my next breath; it is easier for me to be vulnerable and emotionally naked with an audience I cannot see; I dodge and weave when it comes to telling the people who are here for me exactly what I am feeling as I look at life now; I miss my best friend desperately, even though I can still talk to her whenever I want; I belong to someone I will never really be with, but I am proud to have him as my friend.
Life shapes us in ways we don’t seem to expect. I can’t really say where mine is taking me exactly at this moment, and if you were to pin me down tomorrow and force me to talk I know there are quite a few things racing through my head about what is taking place around me now, and in the future.
But tonight, the words drive, and the page calls me again, and my heart is full of longing…
Blessings to you all!