I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty…


This title is the exact opposite of what I truly feel most days.  I was so relieved to get rid of the cancer, it took me a bit to catch up to what it feels like to be sort of…unsexed, for lack of a better term.

When I get ready to take a shower, or hop out of the shower, or have any naked moment, it’s jarring.  I look somehow blank.  Sure, in clothing, I simply appear small-breasted now.  But without clothing I look freakish to myself.  I have no nipples, I have sutures, some steritape, and what is left of my skin.  There’s a hard ridge where the expander’s edges are under my skin and muscle.  It feels ugly, and looks completely bizarre.

It’s created a hang-up for me.  I really just don’t want anyone to look at me.  I feel entirely un-pretty.  Maybe still a tiny bit witty and wise, but the pretty of the song is long gone behind me.

I know this is in my head, but my head is where I am.  I have to live with myself, after all.

Cancer free, soon to undergo chemo, and feeling a bit lost.  One heck of a way to start the summer in this house.  Truthfully, I feel just a bit guilty to be upset by my appearance: I’m healthy, so what the hell do I have to complain about? But, there it is – the ugly truth (pun fully intended)…

Wishing you all a peaceful and safe weekend, and sending blessings…

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