This title is the exact opposite of what I truly feel most days. I was so relieved to get rid of the cancer, it took me a bit to catch up to what it feels like to be sort of…unsexed, for lack of a better term.
When I get ready to take a shower, or hop out of the shower, or have any naked moment, it’s jarring. I look somehow blank. Sure, in clothing, I simply appear small-breasted now. But without clothing I look freakish to myself. I have no nipples, I have sutures, some steritape, and what is left of my skin. There’s a hard ridge where the expander’s edges are under my skin and muscle. It feels ugly, and looks completely bizarre.
It’s created a hang-up for me. I really just don’t want anyone to look at me. I feel entirely un-pretty. Maybe still a tiny bit witty and wise, but the pretty of the song is long gone behind me.
I know this is in my head, but my head is where I am. I have to live with myself, after all.
Cancer free, soon to undergo chemo, and feeling a bit lost. One heck of a way to start the summer in this house. Truthfully, I feel just a bit guilty to be upset by my appearance: I’m healthy, so what the hell do I have to complain about? But, there it is – the ugly truth (pun fully intended)…
Wishing you all a peaceful and safe weekend, and sending blessings…