Optimism…

I’ve been extremely quiet, I know.  Things have been in such flux for me here that I have found myself at a loss as to how to update any of this blog.  I’m over a week out from my first chemo treatment, and feeling…mostly okay, I think.  Of course, every time I turn around, I am being poked at:  blood test weekly, three immune booster shots in three days this week, plus the massive saline injection into the ever-changing tatas. 🙂  Good thing I have never been bothered by needles!

Things have changed here.  My two children are holding steady, I’m holding steady, home is home.  But there has been more of a sea change, within me.  Those walls I have kept in place my entire life are just crumbling to pieces: I am speaking my mind, and pushing my own boundaries so that I will have the life I have always wanted when this is over.

I can look back at the way I was living my life before all of this started, and I can admit I was complacent.  I continually told myself I was happy while settling for far less than I deserved, and I just refuse to do it.  Further, I refuse to teach my children to do that.

I may be sick, but I am surrounded with blessings and opportunities that I would not have had except for this cancer.  So all I can come out with is gratitude.  I am still not fearless, but each day brings me closer to facing each fear I have and letting go – just a little closer.

Wishing blessings to you all tonight…

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