Wilderness…

So, I have been almost entirely mute on here for quite some time.  Between the past chemo sessions kicking my butt HARD, and then surgery just a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been in a bit of a fog: couldn’t think of much to say, and then when I had a thought I kept losing the thread of it.  Chemo brain kicked in at the end there.

Still, with Thanksgiving behind us now, I have been gaining clarity every day.  It helps that I am finally allowed to take supplements and eat raw fruits and veggies again.  I even went for a walk yesterday, and didn’t get totally wiped out by it.  Sometimes I wonder how I will feel when it’s all done — I had been so tired for so long, it may be culture shock to actually be well again.

And, I have been increasingly grateful.  I have these amazing children, and we have laughed and played and had honest-to-goodness FUN during chemo.  I have a curious mini-physician who loves every medical experience I have, and my serious-minded mini-me who is ready to take on the world.  They have been excelling in school, sleeping well, and verbalizing their feelings about this experience.  I am blessed.

I have learned how to ask for help.  (I know, I know, crazy isn’t it?  Miraculously enough, my tongue didn’t burn clean out of my mouth when I asked for help.)  And I have leared how to RECEIVE help where it is given.  A hard lesson for a prideful woman like me — I give help, I don’t receive it.

I have forgiven my own past.  Not that it was so dark, but I was carrying it with me.  And I have learned that each step, each person, each trial, was a gift to me to bring me exactly where I needed to be.  And waiting in that place, was everything I ever wanted to find within myself and others.

So, gratitude squared.  I can see the forest again, but I am simply hiking in it now — not running around lost.  🙂

Blessings to you all…

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