Writer Problems 101: Kill Them All #MondayBlogs

This post will seem like a snowball careening down a hill, picking up velocity and destructive power with every revolution. Just saying. πŸ˜‰

Have you ever been sitting down to write and realized that the realities of life are crowding onto your page?!

People like to talk about the perqs of being a writer, but never do I hear the downside! No one wants to address the struggle! (I’m hoping you can hear the heavy sarcasm and melodrama here.)

Writer problems:

1.) When you want to wield your power to call someone out, but you are so stuck in their very real-life awfulness that you can’t figure out how to not get sued.
— An addendum to this: if you don’t care about being sued, employ my daughter’s method of changing names to protect the guilty. She likes to replace the first letter of the offender’s name with an “Shm.” This has the additional benefit of at least making the “villain” of your everyday somewhat ridiculous. Please feel free to apply this tip to the names of everyone in the room with you right now, pets included. πŸ™‚

2.) Trying to draft a disclaimer that manages to blend boilerplate tact and legalese with “get over yourself” dryness. πŸ˜‰

3.) Finally choosing to “Kill off” the people who have aggravated you in real life, and realizing that you’ll need to write a bloodbath.

Author Murder

4.) Realizing that bloodbaths aren’t a standard part of your genre.

5.) Wondering why your usual dreams about your plotline keep getting interrupted by horrific images of Donald Trump. (Okay, perhaps “wondering” is too strong a word.)

6.) Crafting the most important murder everywhere you go, and suddenly noting that people are giving you a wide berth as your facial expressions change.

7.) Losing track of your grocery shopping as you have a death scene revelation in the produce section.

8.) Recording a voice memo to hold your place until you can get to your computer/notebook and scaring everyone around you because you’re still killing that bastard off.

Too many choices...

Too many choices…

9.) Writing supernatural fiction for young adults: finally coming up with a poem for a tricky spell, right in the middle of Mass. Contemplation of lightning and hellfire for the remainder of the church service.

10.) So many people to kill, so little time.

Please note: the author’s violence level has been dramatically increased as a result of a tennis open, an art festival, spring break, and impending Coachella Fest traffic.

Also, please note: fuse short; you may end up murdered, on paper. πŸ˜‰

Blessings to you all. I’ll be on foot for the next couple of weeks. It’s safer this way.

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